Saturday, September 24, 2011

A reminder of the past. Being a teen is hard.

Not my typical happy post. This is about losing someone I loved to suicide.

Today is the 20th anniversary of Nirvana's release of the life changing album "Nevermind". This album went platinum in two months. It touched just about every teens life in north america. And it was my anthem of pre-teens to teens.

I had a best friend, well I had a few. We were sort of a group. We lived in a area where the school was a thirty minute bus drive away so we spent a lot of time talking. Billy was my go to guy though. We had one of those friendships where we could talk for hours, and if we were interrupted we would call back and talk again.

I was just a teen when we met, and had moved to a smallish town from a large city. I brought my older sisters taste of music into the mix. Nirvana quickly became our favorite band. Music is such a powerful force in a teens life. Heck I barely do anything without listening to music, even now.

We remained close and almost obsessive friends through middle school. Experimenting with things we shouldn't have and writing page long notes to each other passing them intricately folded in between classes. 

On the summer between middle school and high school on a day where we hung out for hours, we had our first kiss. It was a beautiful kiss in late summer soft grass with a warm rock as our backrest. When he looked at me after, I saw "finally" in his eyes, and realized that he had felt more for me then I had for him. That the years of friendship were a courtship for him. I felt panicked and worried that I would lose him.

Billy was a honest guy, with youthful pimples that you couldn't see after a few minutes with him. He had dark thoughts, but as a girl who was raised with girls, I associated these with boys antics.

I left on vacation soon after the kiss, and was glad for it, I wished back the time when we were best friends and he didn't think he was boyfriend.

When we started highschool, we fell back into being friends, with three middle schools merging you had to keep your friends close while you carved a new path through high school, Our crew grew. Billy seemed to distance himself from the new add ons though. It probably wasn't  noticeable to many. He seemed to really crave the old way, and I was loving the new way.

We remained close as close can be. Then one day while he was walking with my nemesis and friend of sorts James, he called me a "ditz". I shut my gaping mouth, turned and walked away.

I was so hurt. I was so embarrassed. My best friend. In front a boy who was often cruel.

He called to apologize, I didn't answer.

He tried in the halls but I looked down. I switched spots in our shared  Math class. I arrived late and left fast. I was as angry and hurt as teen could be. Or so I thought.

We hadn't talked in just over a week when I heard the news.

Billy had hung himself.

The news cut me so hard. In that moment I was forever damaged. I could fill up pages and pages with my guilt and hurt and sorrow. To this day over 15 years later I cry when I think about it. 

I ask "why was I so angry" " why couldn't I forgive" "did me pushing him away, push him over the edge"

I know the answers, "|because I was a teen" "because I was still hurt and embarrassed" "and yes it did push him over the edge"  You don't have to comment how it wasn't my fault. 

I know I didn't put the rope around his neck. His best friend who had moved away a few years before had shot himself the week we weren't talking. The boy who had dark thoughts was just shown suicide and its devastating effects. I had turned away from him. He was an only child. He probably felt alone and abandoned.

I actually know exactly how he felt. I feel like as a teen(or maybe at any age) once you know someone who has committed suicide it is immidiately an option for you.You want so bad at this age for people to know your message, see what they have done to you, and even punish them. Teendom is selfish, teendom is lonely. As a teen, life seems quite little and  the hurts long lasting. You don't have the benefit of time to know the big things of today will seem like nothing much in the future. That bumps and bruises today will shape your thoughts later in life. 

It is a very hard time. All at once you have to learn about cruelness, social acceptance, gossip. Navigating the mine field of high school is daunting. You leave behind the years of easy friendships and after school hangouts. To having a slew of frienemies and one or two who sometimes have your back... maybe.

Looking back. I remember the hurt I felt when my best friend was angry at me. It nearly pushed me over the edge as well. 

So I wrote this, not to share the pain that has being in my life, we all have pain.

I wrote this because I am a mother, who loves her children. I wrote this as reminder to my self, to talk with my girls. To do anything and I mean anything to protect them. I want to remember highschool. It wasn't glory days. 

It is hard if you are pretty and popular and it is hard if you are average and lonely.  It is hard. And teenagers are dramatic, and feel things powerfully. 

Make sure you remember how it really was. Don't forget, when your with your teen. If I seem to be losing perspective as my girls enter the bad years, someone remind me.

*On a side note. I paint James as a big meany. But he soon became a amazingly close friend. Billy was one of his best friend too, which could be why he teased me. He found me wandering through our high school halls looking as forlorn and lost as possible, he held my hand and didn't talk because he knew.  So here is just another view of teendom, someone who you might view as mean or who teases you could be really very caring and kind. They might grow to be one of your closest friends.

* If you think suicide is an option. it really isn't, whether you want to send a message or are feeling lost or want someone to hurt. If something seems insurmountable. It is really not. I'm not minimizing your hurt right now, that is real, it will soon be a moment in your past. Like a lemon drop you have to suck through the bitter and then there will be sweet stuff.  Talk to your parents, tell them it is serious. I have never met a mother or a father who wouldn't move mountains to save there child. Talk to anyone talk to me. I can make just abut anything better:)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I am terrible..... I have a ridiculous amount of articles due, and I am on my own neglected blog. This blog doesn't have the benefit of a copy editor and site monitor.... it just has little old me and my horrid grammar and spelling.

I can't think of a clever thing to write, so I downloaded some Nine Inch Nails.... and some Pistol Annies.

I found some sites, bought alot of shoes..... Recently my niece who is 4 put on some heels and told her mom, "oooh Im auntie, I'm driving kids to school" Yup that's my job driving kids to school in sexy heels:)

I should be working on "doing shit" which is my new pet project about taking time to do stuff......

All this rambling and still not inspired..... I will talk about "doing shit"

"I Do Shit" started through rambling with friends and daydreaming about life, and stuff we wanted to do.
In my regular life I try not to curse or put curse in written form, in my secret blog life, I am a crazy say anything lady who curses like a drunk trucker. I had thought of taking ownership of my previous ramblings and sharing with my friends.... family and the crew of social network comrades. But I talk about alot, Im basically a  open book, the kind of book where you would totally judge the author. Well if you knew everything it just would be weird... like you read my diary, who writes in there diary when they are happy and nice...... well I do, but I write alot more when I'm peeved.

So for lack of not wanting to share my crazy for reelz life with you. I'm willing to do shit in front of you.

What is shit you may ask.....

Shit is:

Losing that last ten Lbs (shut up  I know im skinny already.... but I got shit like you got shit!) So I chronicle a horrid 3 week cleanse, video pictures everything!

Getting strong- Some how you would think a woman who can carry a 25 lb 2 year old two napsacks and a weeks worth of groceries would be strong.... but I am like a soaking wet kitten... that weak So i go to the gym, I get bullied by trainers I run and lift and do allsorts of things that will make me walk like a 90 year old.

Being Flexible- yes this is important... I use to win all the I can do cooler crap then you contest against my husband with these three tricks, putting my whole fist in my mouth, picking up golf balls with my hideously long toes and being able to extend my leg behind my head straight. I can still pick up the ball with my toes....

Dancing well. My dance moves are basically the hokey pokey the roger rabbit and the running man. Which I have tried to pass of as "shuffling" from Party Rock by LMFAO So you will see me learn a difficult and seeminly impossible hip hop routine as well as a  much more sultry dance.... not looking forward to those bloopers!

Conquering my fear of heights (bunji jumping is the goal) I just peed my Pants thinking about it...awesome

Learning how to drive a trailer. You know what im talking about. We have boats and rv's here and I cannot use them without my husbands help. By next summer I will learn how to launch a boat and back a trailer into a camp site..... preferably a large campsite!!

My crazy editor and friend has thought about a whole bunch of stuff I can do.... awesome!

I chose to add getting super Hot! So I get a lot of time in the spa.... but they will be doing painful procedures... Not so awesome.

I will link the new blog when it is up.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Time to Train????

After our recent health scare of our youngest baby, who is now approaching 22 months. I have no desire to watch her grow up too fast. Besides I'm addicted to cloth diapers, really addicted and I'm pretty sure no new babies are in the near future. So when my gorgeous baby ran up to me the other day and said "bum, bum" and when I checked.... she was having a BM. I had a mild panic attack.

I was at my sissies having coffee, and she always has many Ikea potties on hand  (with three kiddies, three and under it is necessary to have potties every where). So we put my babe on the potty. I felt an ache in my heart thinking the times of the lie down and playful wiping and changing are rushing away, and soon I will hear the familiar call down the hallway "mom, I'm done, come wipe  my bum". I wont be able to put it off for a few minutes when it is more convenient for me.

Toilet training is demanding and time consuming. I knew it was coming. I had no plans with my third to be proactive though, My goal was by the time she was three we would have the task virtually mastered. Funny how things change over the years. My first was a potty star at 18 months. My second trained herself when she was two in our summer cottage outhouse. But with our third I'm not going to have the convenience of summer dresses and green lawns to catch the accidents, We are in the heart of winter it is wet and cold and we are always dressed in layers.

My question or questions is, is it okay to postpone training, or should I definitely follow the cues of my child? I would love to hear what you think