A reminder of the past. Being a teen is hard.

Not my typical happy post. This is about losing someone I loved to suicide.

Today is the 20th anniversary of Nirvana's release of the life changing album "Nevermind". This album went platinum in two months. It touched just about every teens life in north america. And it was my anthem of pre-teens to teens.

I had a best friend, well I had a few. We were sort of a group. We lived in a area where the school was a thirty minute bus drive away so we spent a lot of time talking. Billy was my go to guy though. We had one of those friendships where we could talk for hours, and if we were interrupted we would call back and talk again.

I was just a teen when we met, and had moved to a smallish town from a large city. I brought my older sisters taste of music into the mix. Nirvana quickly became our favorite band. Music is such a powerful force in a teens life. Heck I barely do anything without listening to music, even now.

We remained close and almost obsessive friends through middle school. Experimenting with things we shouldn't have and writing page long notes to each other passing them intricately folded in between classes. 

On the summer between middle school and high school on a day where we hung out for hours, we had our first kiss. It was a beautiful kiss in late summer soft grass with a warm rock as our backrest. When he looked at me after, I saw "finally" in his eyes, and realized that he had felt more for me then I had for him. That the years of friendship were a courtship for him. I felt panicked and worried that I would lose him.

Billy was a honest guy, with youthful pimples that you couldn't see after a few minutes with him. He had dark thoughts, but as a girl who was raised with girls, I associated these with boys antics.

I left on vacation soon after the kiss, and was glad for it, I wished back the time when we were best friends and he didn't think he was boyfriend.

When we started highschool, we fell back into being friends, with three middle schools merging you had to keep your friends close while you carved a new path through high school, Our crew grew. Billy seemed to distance himself from the new add ons though. It probably wasn't  noticeable to many. He seemed to really crave the old way, and I was loving the new way.

We remained close as close can be. Then one day while he was walking with my nemesis and friend of sorts James, he called me a "ditz". I shut my gaping mouth, turned and walked away.

I was so hurt. I was so embarrassed. My best friend. In front a boy who was often cruel.

He called to apologize, I didn't answer.

He tried in the halls but I looked down. I switched spots in our shared  Math class. I arrived late and left fast. I was as angry and hurt as teen could be. Or so I thought.

We hadn't talked in just over a week when I heard the news.

Billy had hung himself.

The news cut me so hard. In that moment I was forever damaged. I could fill up pages and pages with my guilt and hurt and sorrow. To this day over 15 years later I cry when I think about it. 

I ask "why was I so angry" " why couldn't I forgive" "did me pushing him away, push him over the edge"

I know the answers, "|because I was a teen" "because I was still hurt and embarrassed" "and yes it did push him over the edge"  You don't have to comment how it wasn't my fault. 

I know I didn't put the rope around his neck. His best friend who had moved away a few years before had shot himself the week we weren't talking. The boy who had dark thoughts was just shown suicide and its devastating effects. I had turned away from him. He was an only child. He probably felt alone and abandoned.

I actually know exactly how he felt. I feel like as a teen(or maybe at any age) once you know someone who has committed suicide it is immidiately an option for you.You want so bad at this age for people to know your message, see what they have done to you, and even punish them. Teendom is selfish, teendom is lonely. As a teen, life seems quite little and  the hurts long lasting. You don't have the benefit of time to know the big things of today will seem like nothing much in the future. That bumps and bruises today will shape your thoughts later in life. 

It is a very hard time. All at once you have to learn about cruelness, social acceptance, gossip. Navigating the mine field of high school is daunting. You leave behind the years of easy friendships and after school hangouts. To having a slew of frienemies and one or two who sometimes have your back... maybe.

Looking back. I remember the hurt I felt when my best friend was angry at me. It nearly pushed me over the edge as well. 

So I wrote this, not to share the pain that has being in my life, we all have pain.

I wrote this because I am a mother, who loves her children. I wrote this as reminder to my self, to talk with my girls. To do anything and I mean anything to protect them. I want to remember highschool. It wasn't glory days. 

It is hard if you are pretty and popular and it is hard if you are average and lonely.  It is hard. And teenagers are dramatic, and feel things powerfully. 

Make sure you remember how it really was. Don't forget, when your with your teen. If I seem to be losing perspective as my girls enter the bad years, someone remind me.

*On a side note. I paint James as a big meany. But he soon became a amazingly close friend. Billy was one of his best friend too, which could be why he teased me. He found me wandering through our high school halls looking as forlorn and lost as possible, he held my hand and didn't talk because he knew.  So here is just another view of teendom, someone who you might view as mean or who teases you could be really very caring and kind. They might grow to be one of your closest friends.

* If you think suicide is an option. it really isn't, whether you want to send a message or are feeling lost or want someone to hurt. If something seems insurmountable. It is really not. I'm not minimizing your hurt right now, that is real, it will soon be a moment in your past. Like a lemon drop you have to suck through the bitter and then there will be sweet stuff.  Talk to your parents, tell them it is serious. I have never met a mother or a father who wouldn't move mountains to save there child. Talk to anyone talk to me. I can make just abut anything better:)

I am terrible..... I have a ridiculous amount of articles due, and I am on my own neglected blog. This blog doesn't have the benefit of a copy editor and site monitor.... it just has little old me and my horrid grammar and spelling.

I can't think of a clever thing to write, so I downloaded some Nine Inch Nails.... and some Pistol Annies.

I found some sites, bought alot of shoes..... Recently my niece who is 4 put on some heels and told her mom, "oooh Im auntie, I'm driving kids to school" Yup that's my job driving kids to school in sexy heels:)

I should be working on "doing shit" which is my new pet project about taking time to do stuff......

All this rambling and still not inspired..... I will talk about "doing shit"

"I Do Shit" started through rambling with friends and daydreaming about life, and stuff we wanted to do.
In my regular life I try not to curse or put curse in written form, in my secret blog life, I am a crazy say anything lady who curses like a drunk trucker. I had thought of taking ownership of my previous ramblings and sharing with my friends.... family and the crew of social network comrades. But I talk about alot, Im basically a  open book, the kind of book where you would totally judge the author. Well if you knew everything it just would be weird... like you read my diary, who writes in there diary when they are happy and nice...... well I do, but I write alot more when I'm peeved.

So for lack of not wanting to share my crazy for reelz life with you. I'm willing to do shit in front of you.

What is shit you may ask.....

Shit is:

Losing that last ten Lbs (shut up  I know im skinny already.... but I got shit like you got shit!) So I chronicle a horrid 3 week cleanse, video pictures everything!

Getting strong- Some how you would think a woman who can carry a 25 lb 2 year old two napsacks and a weeks worth of groceries would be strong.... but I am like a soaking wet kitten... that weak So i go to the gym, I get bullied by trainers I run and lift and do allsorts of things that will make me walk like a 90 year old.

Being Flexible- yes this is important... I use to win all the I can do cooler crap then you contest against my husband with these three tricks, putting my whole fist in my mouth, picking up golf balls with my hideously long toes and being able to extend my leg behind my head straight. I can still pick up the ball with my toes....

Dancing well. My dance moves are basically the hokey pokey the roger rabbit and the running man. Which I have tried to pass of as "shuffling" from Party Rock by LMFAO So you will see me learn a difficult and seeminly impossible hip hop routine as well as a  much more sultry dance.... not looking forward to those bloopers!

Conquering my fear of heights (bunji jumping is the goal) I just peed my Pants thinking about it...awesome

Learning how to drive a trailer. You know what im talking about. We have boats and rv's here and I cannot use them without my husbands help. By next summer I will learn how to launch a boat and back a trailer into a camp site..... preferably a large campsite!!

My crazy editor and friend has thought about a whole bunch of stuff I can do.... awesome!

I chose to add getting super Hot! So I get a lot of time in the spa.... but they will be doing painful procedures... Not so awesome.

I will link the new blog when it is up.

Time to Train????

After our recent health scare of our youngest baby, who is now approaching 22 months. I have no desire to watch her grow up too fast. Besides I'm addicted to cloth diapers, really addicted and I'm pretty sure no new babies are in the near future. So when my gorgeous baby ran up to me the other day and said "bum, bum" and when I checked.... she was having a BM. I had a mild panic attack.

I was at my sissies having coffee, and she always has many Ikea potties on hand  (with three kiddies, three and under it is necessary to have potties every where). So we put my babe on the potty. I felt an ache in my heart thinking the times of the lie down and playful wiping and changing are rushing away, and soon I will hear the familiar call down the hallway "mom, I'm done, come wipe  my bum". I wont be able to put it off for a few minutes when it is more convenient for me.

Toilet training is demanding and time consuming. I knew it was coming. I had no plans with my third to be proactive though, My goal was by the time she was three we would have the task virtually mastered. Funny how things change over the years. My first was a potty star at 18 months. My second trained herself when she was two in our summer cottage outhouse. But with our third I'm not going to have the convenience of summer dresses and green lawns to catch the accidents, We are in the heart of winter it is wet and cold and we are always dressed in layers.

My question or questions is, is it okay to postpone training, or should I definitely follow the cues of my child? I would love to hear what you think

My last 1 year old gives me a gift

I have a tonne of unpublished posts, this blog is like my little life record book. I write now for a lot of different sites but this is where I publish or don't, excerpts about our life.

One of these unpublished post is about the health struggles we have had with Tinsley this year. I cannot bring myself to publish it, the feelings are still to close and I feel the intensity of the fear that gripped me during those months.

In the post it tells of unusual incidents, miracles and odd coincidences that all led to saving Tinsleys life. Tonight on the eve of her turning two I read an amazing story, called "Heaven is for real". It is about a young boys brush with death and heaven. This story accurately describes the feelings I had when I realized my prayers were just answered.

Earlier tonight when I was milking the last day of having a one year old. I sat smelling her hair thinking how lucky I was to have her. How close we came to the edge.

Sometimes we get into the grind of chauffeuring kids here and there, getting them into a lot of activities.  Brushing their hair a little to hard, just to get it over with. Rushing them out the door or car. Being annoyed at their art work on our walls. This list could go on and on.

But tonight, sitting there smelling my precious daughters hair, realizing she is going to be a "terrible two". I made a promise to myself and it will be a gift to  my children.

• I will take my time, I will show kindness and patience, it is what I would want to see reflected back. 

• Not to care about the artwork on freshly painted walls. If I lost my girls tomorrow their drawings would be rare pieces of cherished artwork. Instead of instantly scrubbing it off, I will snap pictures. In a year it will be a fond memory.

• I have never being a super scheduled mommy but I will schedule  for quality "at home" time. 

• I have three daughters, brushing and styling hair is a fun task and I'm going to treat it that way or not do it!

If the worse were to happen, I don't want to remember pulling hair or getting to the pool ontime. I want to remember quiet moments smelling their messy hair.

And my children will grow up with memories of messy hair and a kind loving mom... who smelled them alot.

To diaper a newborn.

Finding the right diaper for a newborn is a very challenging task. If your like me and like to experiment with many different types, it can be a little daunting to know all these new born diapers only last two to three months, before they outgrow them into real size diapers.

My last newborn was 6  pounds at her lowest weight. I want you to imagine that tiny baby with a very well made Rump-a-rooz or Mother-ease one size diaper. The diapers were lovely, but large on my baby. She was to say the least pear shaped and the diaper often started inches under her armpits. Even at 8 lbs they were too large looking to fit under her clothes. A job I did not relish was putting her in a trendy Gap outfit, the pants were definitely not designed to go over her cloth wrapped tushy!

This is where I knew I needed a trimmer diaper, even if it were just one or two to have on hand for when we were going out. The big dipes could be used for at home under sleepers.

A friend had dropped of some Nikki covers and some pre-folds. The covers were very small and trim, even the mediums were tiny. I liked the Nikki design they had really nice gussets and a mesh lining that kept the cover smelling fresh so it could be used more then once. But the pre-folds were still quite bulky. I looked on-line for forums to help solve my dilemma. I knew I couldn't be the only momma unable to squish her baby into the cute clothes gifted to us.

I found links to many inserts, but most had to be folded down for the newborn size. I found and ordered newborn inserts, but shipping would be two weeks. I was hoping for a instant solution. 

Thankfully, a wonderful momma in Seattle posted her solution to my big butted problem. She had went to Wal-mart and bought a pack of 24 cotton facecloths for 6 dollars. She cut a piece of fleece up into  home made liners. She would take a facecloth fold it in three and cover it with a piece of fleece.

At the time I was changing my baby 8- 12 times a day and she only drank 1-2 oz at a time. I was pretty sure a terrycloth cloth would soak that up, the fleece acted as a great wick for the dampness and it protected the cloths from the mustard color stains from her BM's. The best part was it was very trim.

This solution worked great till she reached about 10 lbs. By then she was drinking 3- 4 oz, and a facecloth no longer did the trick, but my 24 pack of cloths did not go to waste. They now are now on hand as a reusable washable wipe.

This solution was cheap and easy but man oh man now that I see my friends with their newbies in lil`joeys and fuzzibunz perfect size, extra small diapers, do I feel envy. My advice would be to get one or two diapers meant specifically for your newborn. In the end you will love showing off your little one in a perfect fitting piece of fluff:)

Adventures In Babyland

This is my unsolicited review of Babyland cloth diapers.

I just finished my two week hitch of exclusive Babyland usage. They were used for nighttime, daytime, naps, and swimming. I used them on my 22 month old, and at night time my 5 year old daughter who is randomly making it through the night with out wetting!!! Yay!!

These were a online purchase from china. I had heard good reviews and wanted to try them for myself. I got them for a great deal, and I should have, almost 6 weeks for them to arrive, and the added bonus of my 20 dipes coming in two packages landed me with double duty!!

So the duty and wait time aside. The dipes looked great. I got half an order of print and half a order of solid.

These are the prints but I didn't order the new style with the second row of snaps.... read my Kawaii review to see why I'm averted to double rows!

Basic colors. The fabric is soft on the outside. It seems different the PUL I am use too.

So after two weeks here are the stats.

• One night time leak on the five year old..... my fault, I only inserted one insert because she has being doing so well and was revolting against the bulk.
• One baby night time leak.... she woke up for two bottles, and slept for almost 15 hours
• No poop leak
• No diaper rash 
• No pressure marks from being to tight.
• No stains from poops
• No awful lingering dipe smell after I didn't wash for 5 days ( this is where i fell in love with babyland)

At the same time a friend of mine also ordered Babyland, and we were sharing FB messages about how much we love them.

The prints are a hit,  hello kitty is the all time favorite here.... We are a house full of girls. The rabbit one which is the cream colour print has snowflakes on it, and the green one has kitties skating, which my girls love... it is winter. I wonder though if we will use those prints in the summer.

These made cute swim diapers, my husby takes our girls swimming once a week and he said he got many questions about where we got her swim diaper. My husband a proud cloth diaperer in public, slightly reluctant at home...teehee, would always respond "oh they are cloth diapers, they make good swimmers."

This comment would always result in FB messages (we live in a small town) about where I bought them. I have since resold 4 of my stash to other moms who although don't cloth diaper do swim and hate to spend moula on the disposable swimmers.

The fit on these was almost always perfect and only once after a restless nap did we have noticeable wing droop. With two inserts the elastics stayed snug against the leg, keeping any nap messes contained!

Babyland will soon be available here at TishToshBaby.com.

Did I just fall of the Kawaii Train?

This is my unsolicited Review of the Kawaii brand diaper.

I will be reviewing the Eco-Friendly Bamboo Minky, The Goodnight Heavy Wetter Snap version. And the Original Square Tab snap cross over.

Originally I was introduced to these dipes by my sister, who bought them directly from Kawaii's website.

The owner is really great at communication and is a fast shipper.

I love the luxury of the minky, It was definitely the diaper I put on my babe when we were headed to the doctors, or to a mom group. It is soft feeling and trim with one insert. My babe is 23 lbs, and I use it on the largest setting. It feels slightly snug around her legs and a little loose around the middle. If I tighten the waste it is too tight on her legs. It is good for about three hours with a babe who loves her bottles.

My big down side to the minky is, it stinks. It is very hard to strip the stench away. All my diapers are cleaned every two-ish days. They all basically come out smelling fresh and clean. Not my minky.  Because of this it has given up the throne of the show off diaper and now resides at the bottom of the stash, rarely getting used.

The goodnight heavy wetter. OMG this dipe is great. I will lay the ground work, I cloth diaper, a 20 month old who goes to sleep with 8 ounces of liquid in her system, she was waking up for one to two 4 oz drinks at night, and soaking through a heavy wetter disposable and the best of my cloth stash. She sleeps for 12- 14 hours and does not like to be changed in the middle of the night.

The first night I tried it, I was amazed. My sister had told me, I would like it, but i really do love it, it is soft around the leg and the inserts are thick. The baby gets up in the morning dry. The outer material is soft, and is a cute print.

Now you might have read my title " Did i just fall off the Kawaii train" The original cross over Tab is what has sent me into Kawaii retreat. I had heard of inconsistencies when I did my Kawaii research but I feel like this is extreme. I had tried this style of diaper and originally thought they were great, and cheap.

The outer material is so soft and flexible. They are easy to stuff and the inserts expel easily in the wash. You get two microfiber inserts.

The website says they fit 8-36 lbs. As I said I have a 20 month old who is 23 lbs, she wears 2 year old clothes and is exactly the right weight for her age. I ordered 12 of these dipes for my stash.

This is how i found my daughter after a three hour nap.

The picture doesn't do it justice, she screamed in pain when I wiped. I couldn't put another dipe on for hours, and she has a scar along the inside of one of her thighs from this injury.

The diaper was on the largest possible setting. I am finding it hard to believe that they would ever fit a child who is 36 lbs.

My resourcefulness discovered by using only the top row of snaps the fit along her leg is much better, but she always has painful looking snap imprints on her hips.

I cant imagine how these would have fit in her younger rollier days. I'm holding out hope that as she grows taller they might fit better.

Kawaii has some great prices for some well made diapers, If I were to make a suggestion, it would be to not buy in bulk.... like me. If a diaper doesn't work out you don't want to be stuck with a tonne of them.